Future Musical Genres
I think there’s too much ‘taxonomy’ in music. Musicologists are too keen to categorise music into increasingly silly genres. With the modern, creatively bankrupt dance music; any time some artist “writes” a song which sounds even slightly different than the thousands of others, they are rewarded with their own sub-genre. The same is true of Rock. Is there really a difference between Death Metal and Doom Metal? With this in mind, I have decided to predict what musical genres will come next:
Deriving its name from an obscene drug/sex act, this strain of dance music consists of “songs” with tempos of over 5000 beats per minute. It is said to be best enjoyed whilst suffering an ecstasy overdose. Popularised by MC Prick.
This form of white-boy gangsta rap was created by Mockneys, who grew up with the films of Guy Ritchie. It consists of samples from the Get Carter soundtrack, with 18 year olds rapping about the Kray Twins over the top. Key artists include ‘Grandma Queenie’ and ‘The Terrence Stamp Collection’.
This genre was actually created by a renegade team of neuro scientists. Their music was unleashed on an unsuspecting public in 2010. It is actually impossible to get the songs out of one’s head without the use of prescription drugs. It is said to be more contagious than swine flu.
Finally admitting to themselves that jazz had become creatively worthless, band leaders just stopped trying. Realising that musicians were expensive, they began to hire people with no musical ability instead. This lead to a sub-genre of dissonant, phlegmy jazz, which still somehow managed to garner good critical reviews.
The Biddeford Sound
Once the town’s most famous sons, ‘Copyright Theft’ topped the charts, record companies rushed to sign other acts from the Biddeford area. The style of the music is varied, but can be recognised by the singers’ broad Devonshire accents.
This mix of hip-hop and sludge metal was the unexpected side effect of a government sponsored scheme to help combat racial tensions in central Birmingham. The aim was to get young white and black youths to play music together. However, the results were described as ‘a musical abomination’. The fallout lead to the resignation of the Minister for Culture, Media and Sport.
Shubert ‘N’ Ernie
Named after a song by ‘The Poison Ivy League’, this genre is a mix of classical music and novelty songs. For several years, no top-tier university in the USA was without an SNE group. These usually consisted of a pianist, violinists and a barbershop quartet. Objectively dreadful; these groups achieved success, not because of talent, but because they were well connected.
This genre was a part of the Nu-Luddite revival of 2011. Low carbon entertainment was all the rage, meaning that acoustic and home-made instruments were back in vogue. Unlike some dour acts at the time, Acid Skifflers would perform jaunty songs, albeit ones about the depletion of natural resources.