Baby, I Write a Blog This Way (Part 1)
The launch of a new Lady Gaga album is a momentous occasion. It must be, because her publicity machine tells us that it is. Like any major event these days, it deserves a live blog. That’s right; I’m going to listen to all of “Born This Way” and jot down my thoughts as I go through. If I can form cogent thoughts whilst listening to such banal ear candy. Now, I admit that this blog post is a little late; the album has been out for a while now. However, it’s only just been made available on the free version of Spotify. What, you didn’t think I’d actually bought this nonsense, did you?
Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin…
1 – Marry the Night
0.00 She’s singing about marriage? I didn’t think she’d be the type to settle down.
0.20 The music is vaguely religious sounding. It must be a church do.
0.50 She sings that she’s a “Warrior Queen”. She likes to point out that she’s a woman as often as possible, as some people still aren’t convinced.
2.45 This is just pretty bog standard dance music so far. She said her album would be “like heroin”. More like Bacardi Breezer.
3.30 Even the handclaps sound synthesised. She could’ve just moved her hands close to a microphone!
2 – Born This Way
0.00 I’ve actually heard this one. It sounds like it was recorded in a Faraday Cage in a saw mill.
1.30 It really is Madonna-lite. Only more heavy. If you know what I mean.
2.45 “Don’t be a drag, just be a queen” – That lyric doesn’t get any less irritating with repeated listens.
3.30 Someone on Twitter pointed out: if she’s so proud about being “born this way”, then why did she have that nose job?
4.10 You could’ve cut 90 seconds out of that song and missed nothing.
3 – Government Hooker
0.00 No Monica Lewinsky jokes, please. Well there wouldn’t be any. Because this isn’t the 90s.
0.15 Ooh, faux operatics now. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse.
0.45 Where did they buy these synthesisers: the eighties? I don’t think there’s been a real instrument on this album so far.
2.00 All the beats and bleeps make me think that the file is skipping.
2.40 “Put your hands on me / John F. Kennedy”. Yikes!
3.30 I have no idea what Lady Gaga is trying to say with this song. Does she think we should be able to get prostitutes on the NHS?
4 – Judas
0.15 She’s going for some Madonna-like controversy with this one. Don’t think it’ll work though. No-one gets upset when you evoke Judas’ name. Wasn’t he the villain of the piece?
1.00 I think she’s saying she’s in love with Judas. Ah well, it’s your funeral. Or crucifixion.
3.20 Now she seems to say she’s going to cheat on Jesus with Judas. She’ll only end up complaining that he’s a liar.
5 – Americano
0.00 Is this about coffee? Perhaps some product placement from Starbucks.
0.15 It sounds like the theme to From Russia with Love. I’d kill for some Matt Monro about now.
0.50 It’s vaguely like Klezmer. Will there be an accordion and clarinet?
1.30 No, back to synthesisers.
2.30 Actually, I think she might be trying to sound Mexican.
3.45 Yes she is, but she’s failing miserably.
4.00 It ends with the sound of a gunshot. Is she making a point about Mexican gun violence? Possibly.
6 – Hair
0.00 Is this from the musical ‘Hair’? Dunno, never heard it. I’m just talking to myself now.
0.30 This song’s a bit more power ballad-y than the others. An unwelcome change of pace.
1.20 The chorus goes: “I’m as free as my hair!”
2.30 I’m not even half way through this song yet. Or halfway through the album.
3.00 Now there’s saxophone; that’s all we need! I read somewhere that this is the same saxophonist guy who ruins Bruce Springsteen songs.
4.30 “I am my hair!” – What a vapid sentiment.
7 – Sheiße
0.00 That means “shit” in German, doesn’t it? Seriously now Stephanie, you’re making it too easy for us critics.
0.30 She says she can’t speak German, but then immediately begins singing in German. I guess singing is different.
0.40 I can only understand the words “Fräulein” and “Monster”, dunno what else she is singing about. Could be expressing her love for Rudolph Hess for all I know.
2.00 More German lyrics! It basically sounds like bad Europop. Or Europop, as it’s simply known.
3.30 Her bad German accent makes her sound like a pantomime villain.
3.45 Thank heavens that’s over. That was the worst one yet. It makes “Poker Face” seem like Beethoven.
If the album were on LP, this would be the end of Side A. I’ll save my thoughts on Side B for my next post. Because, to be honest, even typing this up is like recalling some terrible personal horror to a psychiatrist. I’ll continue this therapy session at a later date, as now I must rest.