The Worst Lyrics in History (Part 1)

Spin Doctors

Some time ago, I was commissioned by the US government to find the worst song lyrics in history. It sounded like a pretty easy job, and I’ll take what I can get in this economy. So, I spent hundreds of hours poring over virus-laden lyrics websites, until I finally found them.

You might remember the Spin Doctors as a One-Hit-Wonder responsible for the song, “Two Princes”. But uwisely, they actually recorded full albums of other songs. Most of these tracks lacked the catchiness of “Two Princes”, and instead had truly dreadful lyrics. Here is a selection of some the worst…

Refrigerator Car 

Your heart is a refrigerator car
It’s cold and it never waits
Frozen breath and frostbite
Stacked, unopened crates

You never loved your frozen freight
Perishables and bloodless meat
Your rolling snowball soul of sleet
You never wait

Shinbone Alley

Streets are metacarpal and flesh of asphalt calm
Buildings rise like fingers from a concrete palm
Yellow lit apartment trickle through the drapes
Windows frame each history hidden even from the fire escapes
Sullen winter sparrow lends wing to expanse of grey
Six-thirty-two in the morning on Thanksgiving day
And the bums they hit their corners, the thunderbird rubs their bones
And the crack addicts stare at the snowflakes zigzagging down to greet Jones

Forty Or Fifty

Forty or fifty horses lying in a lot.
Red raincoats and rifles, an epidemic has been stopped.
Scientist speaks, “What are you wondering about?”
He got where he is by turning lab mice inside out.

The things we do
And have to do
The things I do for you
And what you do for me too
The “Yeah, but I…”
And any other excuse
And if you take it for given
Then what’s the use

How Could You Want Him 

I’m quite contented to take my chances 
Against the Guildensterns and Rosencrantzs
It’s a matter of Cain and Abel
And I can feel your knee underneath the table

He doesn’t dangle by the Seraphim
He only wants a pretty face by him
So how could you want him,
When you know you could have me?

Yo Mama’s A Pajama 

Yo mama’s a pajama and she ain’t no good
Yo mama’s a pajama and she ain’t got no friends
Yo mama’s a pajama and she ain’t no good
Yo mama’s a pajama and she ain’t got no friends

I once knew a girl with a funky doo-wop
Spent all her money just to look like a mop.

I found out later that the US Government wanted to recite these lyrics to inmates at Guantanamo Bay as a form of torture. Oh no; what have I done!

Posted on December 17, 2012, in Misophonic and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Just wondering…was this task of finding the worst lyrics part of a job or was that the complete job? Next time, look me up. I’d be happy to provide some terrible lyrics…if the pay is right

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