The Best Lyrics in History (Category: Humour)

Trumpton Riots

After two posts discussing terrible lyrics, I thought I would redress the balance somewhat and talk about lyrics that I really love.

Does humour belong in music? Well, I think it’s good to get away from the po-faced seriousness of rock music, at least from time to time. One of my favourite comedy bands is Half Man Half Biscuit. I’ll forgive you if you’ve never heard of them. They’re a punk band from Merseyside who started out in the 1980s and are still going “strong”. They specialise in sardonic, twisted songs filled with esoteric references. My description is not really doing them justice, but a lot of their stuff is on YouTube and Spotify, so you can easily check them out for yourself.

Anyway, I genuinely think that bandleader Nigel Blackwell is, in his own way, one of the best lyricists of all time. I will try to prove my case by giving you a few samples…

Tending The Wrong Grave For 23 Years

A mistake has been made
It’s a fact they can’t hide
Though I’m partly to blame,
It cannot be denied
There ain’t no use defending
It seems I’ve been tending
The wrong grave for 23 years


If what’s in the fondue’s to die for
It’s got nothing to do with the cheese
And if what’s in the punchbowl seems lethal
It’s because it’s two thirds anti-freeze

Blood on the Quad

They’d been punting on the Backs
They drank a crate of Becks
Smashed the punts up with an axe
Now they’re going to drop their kecks
Well they say not to spoil them by sparing the rod
You’ll know I complied when there’s blood on the quad


I was just sitting there eating a salmonella sandwich
When a man walked up to me
“Would you mind, dear sir, if I asked you a question?
If music be the food of love, are you the indigestion?”

The Trumpton Riots

Someone get a message through to Captain Snort
That they’d better start assembling the boys from the fort
And keep Mrs Honeyman right out of sight
‘Cos there’s gonna be a riot down in Trumpton tonight

For What Is Chatteris…

Car crime’s low, the gun crime’s lower
The town hall band CD – it’s a grower
You never hear of folk getting knocked on the bonce
Although there was a drive-by shouting once

99% of Gargoyles Look Like Bob Todd

They’ve been cooking on Blue Peter
Now they’re sampling the dishes
“I don’t normally like tomatoes, John
But this is delicious”

Paradise Lost (You’re The Reason Why)

Did you play in the Garden of Eden?
Were the goalkeeper’s gloves to you tossed?
‘Cos it seems to me you’re the reason –
You’re the reason why Paradise lost

The Light at the End of the Tunnel (is the Light of an Oncoming Train)

She stayed with me until,
She moved to Notting Hill,
She said it was the place she needs to be,
Where the cocaine is fair-trade,
And frequently displayed,
Is the Buena Vista Social Club CD

Evening of Swing (Has Been Cancelled)

The christening party arsehole
Who hitherto had blurred
My conception of man
As nature’s final word
Was fleeing from the lava
His SatNav pleading thus:
“I’m not from round here mate,
You should have got the bus”

Monmore, Hare’s Running

Let’s trash the Murder Mystery Weekend
Lets stage a couldn’t-give-a-thon
Summertime’s here and I’ve got no hassle
I could be a Goth on a bouncy castle


I’m indebted to Chris Rand and the other contributors to his brilliant website for compiling (and in some cases deciphering) these lyrics. I’ve only included lyrical snippets here; click on the song titles (above) to be taken his site for the full songs.

Posted on June 15, 2013, in Misophonic and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

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